Because everybody in this house is using it.

At the same time.

Nobody can find anything. Nobody can answer their own questions. Somebody is yelling “Mom?” from another room like I have built in sonar and can somehow tell what they need without getting up.

Where are my shoes?

I don’t know.

Have you seen my charger?

No.

What’s for dinner?

The thing I am literally standing here cooking.

And my personal favorite, “There’s nothing to eat.”

There is food. There is always food. You just don’t want any of the food we currently own.

That is a completely different emergency.

By about five o’clock, I have usually answered enough questions that I no longer want anyone speaking directly to me.

Not because I hate my family.

I love them.

I just need everyone to stop requiring information from me for ten damn minutes.

Go look.

Move something.

Open a cabinet.

Use your eyes.

There are days I swear my entire household would stand helplessly in front of a roll of toilet paper and call me at work to ask what happens next.

And it is never one huge thing that finally gets me.

It is stupid little crap.

Someone puts an empty box back in the pantry.

Someone leaves exactly one paper towel on the roll.

There is a cup sitting six inches away from the dishwasher.

A person walks past the trash can, sees that it is full, balances one more thing on top and walks away like they have successfully completed a task.

That one really gets me.

You saw it.

You knew.

You made a decision.

This is why I laughed when I found a candle that says, “Mom’s Last Nerve. Oh look… it’s on fire.”

That is not even a candle at that point.

That is a warning device.

You light that thing on the kitchen counter and everybody should know the situation.

Maybe don’t ask Mom where your black hoodie is right now.

Maybe figure out your own password.

Maybe eat the cereal without asking whether we have milk when the refrigerator is right there.

I don’t even need another candle. I have candles.

I have normal candles that smell like lavender and vanilla and whatever else is supposed to convince me I live somewhere peaceful.

This one feels more accurate.

[Link the Mom’s Last Nerve candle here]

Honestly, I think moms deserve more products based on our actual lives.

Not another mug that says Mama Bear.

Give me a door sign that says “If you yell Mom from another room, I will assume you are on fire.”

Give me a decorative basket labeled “Things Everyone Claims They Couldn’t Find.”

Give me a little trophy for putting a new trash bag in the can after somebody else removed the old one and apparently decided the job ended there.

Because some days motherhood is beautiful and sweet and meaningful.

And some days I am standing in the kitchen holding a pair of scissors asking why they are sticky.

Nobody knows.

Nobody ever knows.

I used to think I would eventually become one of those organized women who stayed ahead of everything.

Cute calendar.

Clean countertops.

Dinner planned before noon.

Turns out I am much better at figuring out exactly how long we can continue functioning before something actually has to be done.

Clean towels in the dryer?

Those are available towels.

Laundry basket full of clothes?

Portable closet.

One weird container in the back of the refrigerator that nobody remembers making?

That belongs to the house now. Leave it alone.

This is not giving up.

This is resource management.

I have only so many hours, so much patience and apparently one remaining nerve.

And everybody keeps touching it.

So yes, I would absolutely light the stupid candle.

Not because it is going to make me less annoyed.

But because maybe somebody will read it before asking me where the tape is.

And that alone might buy me five minutes.

The post Apparently My Last Nerve Is a Family Resource appeared first on Mom WTF!.

Some traditions are just things nobody had the nerve to stop doing.

There is a difference.

Every family has one.

A food everybody pretends to like.

A gathering nobody wants to attend.

A game that takes three hours and ends with somebody irritated.

A holiday thing that requires seventeen supplies, two trips to the store, and one woman saying “it’s fine” through clenched teeth.

But it’s tradition.

So we continue.

Apparently somebody had fun doing it in 1994 and now we are legally bound forever.

I love traditions when people actually love them.

I love the recipe that tastes like somebody who isn’t here anymore.

I love the same stupid ornament coming out every year.

I love hearing the story everybody already knows.

That stuff matters.

But sometimes the person working hardest to keep the tradition alive is also the person enjoying it the least.

That’s where I get suspicious.

If Mom has to shop for it, cook it, remind everybody, clean it up, take the pictures, find the missing piece, and listen to everybody complain while doing it, maybe this cherished family tradition has become an unpaid seasonal job.

And if everybody loves it so much?

Fantastic.

Somebody else can be in charge this year.

Watch how quickly the sacredness level drops.

Suddenly it’s, “Well, maybe we don’t have to do the whole thing.”

Oh really.

Interesting development.

Maybe traditions are supposed to change when families do.

Maybe some get smaller.

Maybe some disappear.

Maybe a completely dumb new thing accidentally becomes the one everybody loves.

I don’t think that ruins anything.

I think that’s probably how traditions started in the first place.

Somebody did something once.

Everybody liked it.

They did it again.

Nobody filled out paperwork.

The post Can We Admit Some Family Traditions Kinda Suck? appeared first on Mom WTF!.

I don’t know.

That answer seems to upset people.

Like I’m being difficult on purpose.

Like there is a large control room somewhere in my brain with little screens showing the current location of every object we own.

Wallet.

Shoes.

Tape.

AirPods.

That one hoodie.

The scissors nobody is supposed to touch but everybody touches.

And yes, the irritating part is that sometimes I actually do know where the thing is.

I know the thermometer is in the bathroom closet behind the ugly towels.

I know there are batteries in the junk drawer under approximately forty dead pens.

I know somebody left the scissors near the printer.

Why do I know that?

No idea.

I don’t remember what I walked into the bedroom for twelve minutes ago, but apparently I can maintain inventory for four other human beings.

My favorite is when somebody asks where something is while standing directly in front of it.

“Where’s the ketchup?”

In the refrigerator.

“I don’t see it.”

Move the milk.

And then they move the milk and there it is.

A miracle.

Sometimes I want to start charging a locating fee.

Five bucks if the item is in the room you’re standing in.

Ten if I already told you where it was.

Twenty if you say, “I looked everywhere.”

Because no you did not.

You looked at one flat surface and experienced disappointment.

I love my family.

Deeply.

But I am begging everyone to develop object permanence.

The post Why Does Everybody Ask Mom Where Everything Is? appeared first on Mom WTF!.

I don’t know when.

Maybe Pinterest did it. Maybe Instagram. Maybe we did it to ourselves because one mom cut watermelon into stars in 2013 and now none of us can serve fruit like normal people.

But apparently childhood can no longer just happen.

It has to be magical.

Magical breakfast.

Magical first day of school.

Magical last day of school.

Magical Friday movie night with matching snacks and a printable sign because God forbid everybody just sits on the couch and watches the damn movie.

I like making things special.

I’m not anti fun.

I’ve done the baskets. I’ve stayed up too late making something cute that my kid looked at for eleven seconds.

I get it.

But sometimes I wonder if we are making memories or staging evidence that we made memories.

Because the things I remember from being a kid were mostly nothing.

Riding in the backseat at night.

Sitting on the kitchen counter when I probably wasn’t supposed to.

My dad making something weird for dinner.

A certain blanket.

Some stupid joke nobody else would understand now.

Nobody planned any of it.

Nobody said, “Wait. Let me get a picture.”

It was just my life.

And honestly, I think kids still get to have that.

A regular Tuesday.

Dinner that came out of a box.

Everybody watching something dumb together.

You forgot the cute pajamas.

Nobody cares.

Maybe the memory is that somebody burned the garlic bread and the dog stole half of it.

That counts.

Actually, that’s probably the one they’ll remember.

The post Do We Really Have to Make Everything a Memory? appeared first on Mom WTF!.

There is a point where the family group chat stops being communication and becomes a part time job you never applied for.

Vote first. Then tell us how long you can disappear before somebody starts checking on you.

The post Can you ignore the family group chat for days? appeared first on Mom WTF!.

Some hosts love waking up to a stripped bed. Others would rather guests leave the whole thing exactly where it is.

Pick a side, then tell us what you actually want overnight guests to do before leaving.

The post Should guests strip the bed before they leave? appeared first on Mom WTF!.

She knows when the form is due. She knows where the library book is. She knows which kid needs what on which day and whether we are out of tortillas, toothpaste, or emotional stability. She signs things. Replies to texts. Packs snacks. Buys the poster board before 9:47 p.m. the night before it is needed.

She also, apparently, no longer works here.

The woman currently filling in for her is doing her best, but she has eaten shredded cheese over the sink like an exhausted possum. She has driven around with three empty cups on the passenger floor, rolling back and forth every time she turns, like a tiny trash avalanche. She has walked into a room, looked around at the situation, and yelled, “WHO USED MY GOOD SCISSORS?” with the energy of a homicide detective who just found the body.

That is who is in charge right now.

And before anybody says self care, or systems, or maybe if you just wake up thirty minutes earlier, let me save us all some time.

This is not a scheduling problem.

This is not a planner problem.

This is not because I forgot to drink water or write down my intentions.

This is because at some point adult life stops feeling like a list of tasks and starts feeling like a raccoon got into the control panel.

The laundry is clean, but it has been in the dryer so long it now counts as a drawer.

The towels are technically done, which feels like enough.

Dinner gets eaten standing up more often than I would like to admit because sitting down feels like one more commitment I am not prepared to make. If I sit, someone will need something. If I stand, I can at least pretend I am still in motion.

There are days I hide in my own house.

Not in a poetic way.

Not in a “mothers are invisible” think piece way.

I mean literally. I will go into the bathroom or laundry room or stand by the side of the bed for a second just to be somewhere nobody is asking me where their charger is.

Sometimes I do not want peace. Peace sounds too ambitious.

I just want a break in being perceived.

And then there is the mess.

The mess changes you.

At first, mess is a problem. You see it, and it needles you. You think, I need to handle that. Then, somewhere down the line, you cross into a stranger territory where the mess stops feeling temporary and starts feeling like part of the architecture.

That cup on the nightstand is no longer clutter. It is a resident.

The pile by the stairs has seniority.

The weird Tupperware in the back of the refrigerator has diplomatic immunity.

Nobody opens it. Nobody questions it. It has become one of those things we all silently agree to live around, like a family secret or a bad lamp.

I used to think getting older would make me more put together.

I really did.

I thought there would come a point where adulthood clicked into place and I would become one of those calm women who just sort of glide through the day. Hair done. House under control. Fruit already cut up in the fridge for no reason other than competence.

I thought I would become efficient. Maybe even elegant.

That did not happen.

Instead, I became incredibly skilled at deciding what does not absolutely have to happen today.

That is not the same thing as giving up, though from the outside I am sure it has a similar look.

Shower at 10 p.m.?

Maybe. Maybe not. Let’s not act like it is a constitutional requirement.

Fold the towels?

They are clean and accessible. Why are we acting like they need a ceremony?

Matching socks?

Honestly that sounds like propaganda. Something invented by Big Sock to keep women from having hobbies.

This is what I mean when I say I have not given up. I have just become deeply realistic.

A lot of what used to feel mandatory now reveals itself as optional. Not morally optional, obviously. I am not saying let raccoons raise the children or keep raw chicken on the counter for a week. I am saying some of the standards I once thought made me a good adult woman were really just habits of panic and performance.

Did I used to think having every throw blanket folded a certain way meant I was holding it together?

Apparently.

Did I once believe a woman with unmatched socks had somehow slid into personal decline?

Embarrassing, but yes.

Now I know better.

Now I know some days success is answering the important text, feeding everyone, finding one clean fork, and not crying because somebody asked where the tape is while standing directly in front of the tape.

And if that sounds like a low bar, I would just say this. The bar was set by people who were not accounting for life as it is actually lived. Life with jobs and bills and school forms and weird emotional static and bodies that get tired in a way that is not cured by a face mask and positive thinking.

A lot of us are out here trying to be decent people in a constant state of interruption.

Of course things get weird.

Of course the fridge gets chaotic.

Of course there is a basket of clean clothes that becomes folklore.

Of course sometimes the only available version of motherhood is a half feral one.

I think that is the part I wish more women would admit out loud. Not for pity. Not for applause. Just because there is something weirdly healing about hearing somebody else say, yes, my house also contains a staircase pile. Yes, I also ate in the kitchen like a nervous animal. Yes, there are moments when I look fully around my own life and think, this is absolutely not what I pictured, but here we all are.

And here is the thing.

The feral version of me is not some failure of the polished version. She is what shows up when the polished version is outnumbered.

She is still getting it done. Maybe not beautifully. Maybe not in matching storage bins. Maybe not with meal prep or a serene morning routine. But things are, by and large, continuing. People are fed. Appointments are mostly made. The basic machinery of life keeps lurching forward.

Not gracefully. But forward.

Some days I am a fully functioning adult woman.

Some days I am a raccoon with a debit card and a vague to do list.

I contain both.

Honestly, most women I know do.

We are not failing at being adults. We are just living in the middle of too much, long enough that the polished mask slips and the real woman comes out. The tired one. The funny one. The irritated one. The one who cuts corners because she has learned that not every ball deserves to stay in the air.

And if I am being honest, I trust her a little more.

She is less elegant, sure.

But she is real.

And she knows where the good scissors used to be.

The post The Competent Version of Me Is Apparently on Leave appeared first on Mom WTF!.

There is a bartender at the place near my office who remembers my drink, my name, and the fact that I hate small talk. He leans closer when I speak. He notices when I cut my hair. He once touched the inside of my wrist while handing me change and I thought about it for three days.

I have not done anything. I know exactly how pathetic this sounds.

But when my husband says we should “reconnect,” all I can think about is that bartender looking at me like I am not somebody’s exhausted wife.

The post I Want the Bartender, Not Another Date Night appeared first on Mom WTF!.

My husband found the messages because I left my phone on the bathroom counter. I expected screaming. I expected him to leave. Instead he read every single one, came into the bedroom, and asked me whether I meant what I had written.

I said yes.

He was furious. He was also clearly turned on, which made the whole thing feel even more dangerous.

We had the most intense night we have had in years. The next morning he said we still had a serious problem.

We do. I also cannot stop thinking about how alive we both looked.

The post My Husband Found the Texts and Got Turned On appeared first on Mom WTF!.

I went into the laundry room to get paper towels. His friend followed me in and shut the door with his foot. I should have laughed. I should have opened it. Instead I stood there while he looked at me like he had been waiting years.

He kissed me. I kissed him back. It lasted maybe ten seconds before somebody yelled for ice.

Nothing else happened. He left twenty minutes later. My husband slept with his hand on my hip like he always does.

I have not stopped thinking about that stupid laundry room.

The post I Kissed My Husband’s Friend in the Laundry Room appeared first on Mom WTF!.